Wanting Some Peace of Mind
Posted on Nov 18, 2009 03:50:00 PM
I have a tendency to flee when the shit hits the fan. When I woke up this morning the first thing I wanted to do was to close all my accounts online.
I dreamed of him last night. We had reconciled and were about to have sex.
The day before, I dreamed I was hanging over the edge of a cliff, wondering whether or not I should go to my death. I did not, but I was terrified in my dream that I could. In my dream, I had to talk him down.
In reality, I do not want to die. Although there have been times when I wanted, I did not wake up to face another day.
The Runaway in me.
I just want to stop thinking about him. I want some peace of mind. I do not want to be angry all the time. Or sad. Or remorse. I want to look ahead and make plans and goals. I want to start writing again, and perhaps make another short film. I want to be open to love someone else later. But not now.
I wish I were feeling well again. In my head, my heart and my body. It is as persistent discrimination ease. I know there’s no medicine I can take for that. No cure except time. But I fear that no amount of time will spare me from this situation. I feel lost like that forever, and my life will pass and I’ll have all failed. I am waking from a fog of 20 years and wonder where I come from, and what would happen to him.
I do not know how to get out of this snap, or even if I can, or should. I do not know who to turn to more. My friends have heard everything, and for so long. Even registration to play again and again.
I think how he feels now, as he wakes up to prepare for his day’s work. Is it a hangover? Did yesterday, our communications, to send into the arms of her lover’s favorite; sake? It is also a runaway. Only he uses alcohol.
I really can not say what happens in his mind. I imagine it will be just and honorable, he did the right thing. The exact opposite of how I see it.